It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
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*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF