It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
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Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
mechanics be like
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I’m giving up ice.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.