The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
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I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
At least he brought enough for everyone
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.