It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
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spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”