GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
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[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*
Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
*at a confessional*
Priest: Oh God, not you again…
Me: Ok, but the book of Numbers –
Priest: We’ve been over this, it’s all –
Me: ITS ALL WORDS
WHAT THE HELL
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
*knock knock* whos there? sir theres been an accident. theres been an accident who?
Biden: We need theme music when we walk into a room
Obama: Joe be professional
Biden: STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON, CRAZY MOTHER-
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.