@mrjohntofu

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

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@Angrea

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

@Sean_Burgundy_

It’s so frustrating when your therapist tells you to go to your happy place then yells at you when you show up at her house

@daemonic3

[interview]

What is your greatest strength?

“Throwing my voice”

You’re hired!

“Ok great, thanks”

Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good

@JennyJohnsonHi5

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

@stereofiasco

I dreamt I saw actual proof of a ghost and still didn’t believe in them and woke up realizing I’m the husband who dies halfway through every horror film.

@rockymomax

HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched

@Sickayduh

“What’s this ticket, officer?”
– Loitering
“I didn’t drop trash”
– No. Loitering.
“You talk funny”
– It’s not-
“I’m putting this on Twoiter”

@david8hughes

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

@NewDadNotes

Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.

Me: that’s riddikulus lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.

@trojansauce

[creating foxes]

GOD: make it orange & give it a fat tail
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and make it sneaky
ANGEL: you sure?
GOD: yeah… real sneaky