@mrjohntofu

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

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@dragonsorbet

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

@mattZillaaaa

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”

@ArfMeasures

Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he

Wife: His name is Jake

@LoveNLunchmeat

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

@tracietom

My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.

@RealCarrotFacts

Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating

@TheAlexNevil

Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.

@Dawn_M_

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

@GimpySunshine

ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex. Now birds keep crashing into my armpits 🙁