Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

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You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.


It’s so frustrating when your therapist tells you to go to your happy place then yells at you when you show up at her house



What is your greatest strength?

“Throwing my voice”

You’re hired!

“Ok great, thanks”

Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good


All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.


I dreamt I saw actual proof of a ghost and still didn’t believe in them and woke up realizing I’m the husband who dies halfway through every horror film.


HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched


“What’s this ticket, officer?”
– Loitering
“I didn’t drop trash”
– No. Loitering.
“You talk funny”
– It’s not-
“I’m putting this on Twoiter”


[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over


Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.

Me: that’s riddikulus lol.




Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.


[creating foxes]

GOD: make it orange & give it a fat tail
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and make it sneaky
ANGEL: you sure?
GOD: yeah… real sneaky