Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
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I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn