@mrjohntofu

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

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@bornmiserable

when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral

@pilau

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

@_Jkriegs

A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do

@zombieparrot

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.

@UnFitz

My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.

@13spencer

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“

*interrupting* haha, he said prick

@madameanthro

One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.

@_davidlucas_

In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.

~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.