@mrjohntofu

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

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@Chumpstring

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?

@Rollmaninoz

[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned

@Joyannah73

Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!

@rsf788

*at a confessional*

Priest: Oh God, not you again…

Me: Ok, but the book of Numbers –

Priest: We’ve been over this, it’s all –

Me: ITS ALL WORDS
WHAT THE HELL

@heyitsJudeD

Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!

@EndhooS

Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM

@fucpk

*knock knock* whos there? sir theres been an accident. theres been an accident who?

@CuppleOthoughts

Biden: We need theme music when we walk into a room

Obama: Joe be professional

Biden: STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON, CRAZY MOTHER-

#BidenMemes

@birbigs

At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.