Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
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I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison