It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
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Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
My guardian angel deserves a raise
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive