@MavenofHonor

It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

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@BrierBrisk

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

@torrami

Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.

@TommyRainmaker

[after fight with bane]

batman: my back is broken

batman’s mom: it’s bc you’re on the computer too much

@BuckyIsotope

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

@YUCKYBOT

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

@keeperoftheday

Girl: come over. Guy: I’m coming over. Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over.

@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?

Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.

6: To where?

Me: It just disappeared

6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?

@Daveastated

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

@zachv86

*speaks at high school graduation*

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