It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

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[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*


Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.


[after fight with bane]

batman: my back is broken

batman’s mom: it’s bc you’re on the computer too much


KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?


“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.


Girl: come over. Guy: I’m coming over. Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over.


6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?

Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.

6: To where?

Me: It just disappeared

6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?



Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.


*speaks at high school graduation*

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