It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
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They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Ghost costume 😂
