It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
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Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.