It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
You Might Also Like
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.