@Illiter8

It’s like my dad always said, “How did you get this number?!”

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@Fred_Delicious

Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?

@Reel2Dialog2

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

@ThatBrenna

People are like snowflakes. When they pile up on my car windshield, it’s difficult to drive.

@Rica_Bee

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

@Philosopherbing

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

@juneohara65

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

@TheAlexNevil

*Christmas with The Schrödingers

Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?

*His family smiles nervously at each other

@SardonicTart

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

@scorpiusryan21

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions