Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
It’s like my dad always said, “How did you get this number?!”
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God: 8 arms
G: with suckie things
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
G: …I ate mushrooms
You can tell a lot about a person by autopsy.
People are like snowflakes. When they pile up on my car windshield, it’s difficult to drive.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions