“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
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DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
B