Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
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The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
The booster protects against what, now?
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.