It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
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Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.