Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
It’s like my fridge sends texts inviting all my friends over the moment I fill it up.
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You know that moment when you close a cupboard and hear something fall? That’s the sound of someone else’s problem
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Me: baby, I’m gonna make you groan
Her: you mean moan
Me: *about to tell an awful joke* I do not
UPCOMING JESUS APPERANCES
8/3 Pancake, Norfolk, VA
8/10 Cheeto, Salem, OR
8/19 Window stain, Orem, UT
8/23 Vegemite Jar, Perth, AU
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
day 425: saw a ship and crew waved but didn’t want to look dumb and wave back if they were waving to someone behind me
[on Wheel of Fortune]
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__
Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Studio audience: *groans*
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.