@LoneWolfStories

It’s like my fridge sends texts inviting all my friends over the moment I fill it up.

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@qwajo_jnr

You know that moment when you close a cupboard and hear something fall? That’s the sound of someone else’s problem

@LlamaInaTux

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

@Vhalechark

[In bed]

Me: baby, I’m gonna make you groan

Her: you mean moan

Me: *about to tell an awful joke* I do not

@TheTweetOfGod

UPCOMING JESUS APPERANCES

8/3 Pancake, Norfolk, VA
8/10 Cheeto, Salem, OR
8/19 Window stain, Orem, UT
8/23 Vegemite Jar, Perth, AU

@tastefactory

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

@Mr_Kapowski

shipwreck diary

day 425: saw a ship and crew waved but didn’t want to look dumb and wave back if they were waving to someone behind me

@Darlainky

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

@AnkCoupleTO

I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards

@CoopSoSarc

Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.