The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
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Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
fixed it
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I laughed at this way too hard.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Breaking news:
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant