This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
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WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.