@StrugglesBGbb

It’s like my golf instructor thinks I’m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.

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@jonnysun

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:10:”tracy_marq”;s:5:”image”;s:59:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1959113727/cb_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:17:”82926390600663040″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”281″;s:5:”tweet”;s:78:”If my dad were alive today he would say, “Tracy stop telling people I’m dead”.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@

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@tdwyer618

“Dad, why did Jesus have to die on the cross?”

“He didn’t do his 1st grade homework.”

@CandyEmpires

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

@Andr6wMale

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

@mollzbenn

“Follow your dreams!” say the people who won’t pay my rent.

@roboticcrab

*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance