Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Having daughters is great if you want to get yelled at every time you hit a butterfly with your car.