It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”

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Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it



I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.


Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend


[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each


time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain


In marriage, there are two conversations:

The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.


Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.

Me : Really?

Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?


Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.


Having daughters is great if you want to get yelled at every time you hit a butterfly with your car.