It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
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Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.