It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
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Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
#TopTip
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers