@candace_9871

It’s like my Mom used to say, always keep a positive pregnancy test around in case you need to ruin a man’s life.

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@robfee

“I’m still years behind on Breaking Bad so I expect the entire internet not to discuss it until it’s convenient for me.” – Idiots

@TheDjinnTrials

Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.

@mjkspeaks

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

@philmann

Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.

@eggnook

Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.

@scottdedalus

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

@Mom_Overboard

[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS

@heymonroe

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

@VerbsRProudest

13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!

@TheTweetOfGod

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.