I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
It’s like my mother always told me, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
Then she said I looked fat.
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I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
[packing for camping trip]
me: need portable lights
jack: a flashlight?
me: nah, the bigger one with a handle
jack: oh, lantern?
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
My boss asked if I had any special skills so I put my hand under my armpit to make fart sounds. We laughed and now I’m clearing out my desk
Him: ima call you at 11
Me at 11:01: all men do is lie
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.