Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
You Might Also Like
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
getting corrected
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”