It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
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5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”