I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
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Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Angel: So what is this?
God: The alligator
Angel: Why, it looks like the crocodile
God: It’s the android version
[ Fist bump ]
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Does anyone on here know how to “unhook” Amazon from my Twitter so that I can order things without giving people the idea I am Really bald??
I just got an eyelash in my eye and I’m yelling at it cuz it’s supposed to prevent this shit from happening like, “YOU ONLY HAVE ONE JOB.”
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….