It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
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This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.