Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
It’s like my teeth got in trouble in school & aren’t allowed to sit together.
You Might Also Like
[God, wasted, creating humans]
Angel: How do they cool themselves off?
God: *takes a drink* Salt water comes out of them.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Wife: How was the bathroom?
Me: The bathroom attendant doesn’t come in and help when you yell “WIPE” from the stall
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I am not a functional alcoholic.
I am a dysfunctional sober person.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Stick a fork in me so you know just how done we are
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.