It’s like my teeth got in trouble in school & aren’t allowed to sit together.

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Me: What did you do today while I was at work?

Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.

Me: I think you’re lying.

Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?


[God, wasted, creating humans]
Angel: How do they cool themselves off?
God: *takes a drink* Salt water comes out of them.
Angel: How…Ok.


Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.


[fancy restaurant]

Wife: How was the bathroom?

Me: The bathroom attendant doesn’t come in and help when you yell “WIPE” from the stall


I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.


I am not a functional alcoholic.

I am a dysfunctional sober person.


My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.


Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere


I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.