A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
You Might Also Like
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face