It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
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NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Gods work.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive