@professorkiosk

It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”

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@DennysDiner

Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes

@TheRealDudish

A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.

@KellyMeldrum

Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.

@meh_thinks

Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.

@junejuly12

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

@T_Bonezzz_

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

@bIessbaby

*gets abducted by aliens* thank you. you have no idea how much i hated living on that planet

@Quartzjixler

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

@IndecisiveJones

me: hey man you ready to go?

goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone

me:

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: almost done?

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: son of a-

[On the next episode of…]

@PJTLynch

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD