If Earth was a rented apartment, ain’t NOOOO WAAAAAY we’re getting our security deposit back.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
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[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Lobsters gonna lobst.
Some weird dude on the street just told me that the end is near and now I can’t stop hugging him and saying, “thank you.”
HR at my work just called me and i thought i was in trouble for something but they just let me know my 11-year-old sister has been commenting on their instagram every day telling them to give me a raise
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”