@LoveYoorFate

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

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@adamlucidi

If Earth was a rented apartment, ain’t NOOOO WAAAAAY we’re getting our security deposit back.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at grocery store]

Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?

Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s

@KimmyMonte

If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.

@wolfpupy

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

@_steamy_mac

Some weird dude on the street just told me that the end is near and now I can’t stop hugging him and saying, “thank you.”

@natfos

HR at my work just called me and i thought i was in trouble for something but they just let me know my 11-year-old sister has been commenting on their instagram every day telling them to give me a raise

@stopbylater

Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”

Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”

@mrtimlong

Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.

@Parkerlawyer

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”