It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?

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[during sex]

HER: this isn’t working out

ME: *putting sock puppet away* was it something he said?


My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.


Telling someone w/ depression things like ‘Cheer up’,’Get over it’,’It’s a state of mind’, is like telling a blind person ‘Just look harder’


I put winks at the end of texts to add a confusing air of creepy.

“Making breakfast. ;)”
“Walking the dog. ;)”
“Broke in to your house ;)”


If you think I’m sexy now wait till you see me eat a cheeseburger with no hands.


*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*


Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started


Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?


Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*