HER: this isn’t working out
ME: *putting sock puppet away* was it something he said?
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
You Might Also Like
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Telling someone w/ depression things like ‘Cheer up’,’Get over it’,’It’s a state of mind’, is like telling a blind person ‘Just look harder’
I put winks at the end of texts to add a confusing air of creepy.
“Making breakfast. ;)”
“Walking the dog. ;)”
“Broke in to your house ;)”
If you think I’m sexy now wait till you see me eat a cheeseburger with no hands.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*