It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
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[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
So glad we cleared that up
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..