Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
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MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
“I’m helping” 😅
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?