It’s like ten thousand filters, when all you need is a bag.

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Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.


I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂


2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say


He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.


[inventing allergies]

god: make them feel like shit

angel: from what

god: outside


Facebook tells me those vans are dangerous, but Twitter says they have candy. So conflicted.


I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.


I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.