Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
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handsome & gretel
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Name another movie that mislead you?
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.