It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
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IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”