It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
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Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.