It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.

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God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*


Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.


Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.


I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again


*Maybe try dressing up as SpongeBob this Halloween, since you’re so self absorbed.*

-Me as a therapist


If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.


*opens Advil*

*takes Advil*

*closes Advil*

*looks at husband*

“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”


MOM: always open the door for a lady
[later on date]
ME: Let me get that for you [reaching under stall door for lock] please stop screaming


Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time


Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.