@IamEveryDayPpl

It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.

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@ArfMeasures

God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*

@dave_cactus

Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.

@TuckerFly1

Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.

@omgshuddup

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

@Freudianscript

*Maybe try dressing up as SpongeBob this Halloween, since you’re so self absorbed.*

-Me as a therapist

@WilliamAder

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

@mommajessiec

*opens Advil*

*takes Advil*

*closes Advil*

*looks at husband*

“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”

@BoozeWallet

MOM: always open the door for a lady
[later on date]
ME: Let me get that for you [reaching under stall door for lock] please stop screaming

@GlennyRodge

Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time

@BDGarp

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.