My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Doggies just call it style.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.