“HELP! THIS MAN HAD A HEART ATTACK”
– I think I can help *frantically covers him in all the life vests* cmon do your stuff
It’s like the TSA doesn’t even care relationships end cause we can’t run through the airport and stop someone from getting on a plane.
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There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it’s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I am so lazy that when I dropped the soap in the shower, I just sat down & took a bath. That was 2 hours ago. I’m still here.