@Sarcasticsapien

It’s like the TSA doesn’t even care relationships end cause we can’t run through the airport and stop someone from getting on a plane.

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@Sickayduh

[Cruise ship]
“HELP! THIS MAN HAD A HEART ATTACK”
– I think I can help *frantically covers him in all the life vests* cmon do your stuff

@Bob_Janke

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

@iGreenBabe

When a woman asks you to guess her age, it’s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.

@MichaelTrying

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

@Fred_Delicious

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

@RocketRankoon

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

@GrillinChillin9

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.

@GrantTanaka

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

@dancefeverbarbi

I am so lazy that when I dropped the soap in the shower, I just sat down & took a bath. That was 2 hours ago. I’m still here.