It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
You Might Also Like
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.