It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
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There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Practicing safe sax
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
What the hell happened in there??
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.