It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
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me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Just a friendly reminder!
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?