It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
You Might Also Like
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search