It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
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Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Kids, do not try this at home!
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost