its macaroni and cheese not macaroni and steve

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me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.



COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me


Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”

Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”


My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.


Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?



Me: There are only 2 things to fear


ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend


Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?


Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?

Her: *blushing* sure

Me: What’s your hat size?


When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.