I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
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me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.