me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
its macaroni and cheese not macaroni and steve
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COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
how can i suffer but with music
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.