@Jamberee13

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

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@MommaUnfiltered

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.

@AmishPornStar1

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

@OrigamiUndies

Walk up to the finest girl in the club and whisper, “excuse me, can I get at that outlet behind you hon?”

@better_off_dad

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

@RalphSudafed

A manual RT is like saying “Hey check out this guy, but keep looking at my face. Please…don’t ever stop looking at my face…”

@ShortSleeveSuit

Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*

@_Tempo11

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

@robfee

If you watch The Blindside backwards, Sandra Bullock becomes so disappointed in her black son that she abandons him on the side of the road.

@novixv

If you read Twitter backwards it tells the story of humanity slowly getting smarter.