Neighbor: Your husband is a talker.
N: Your husband. He has a story for everything.
M: Oh, I wouldn’t know.
M: I stopped listening to him in 2003.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
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*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Gf: is it in?
Me: I think its in
Gf: nothing’s happening
Me: give it a sec
Gf: take it out & put it back in
M: ugh fine *reinserts DVD*
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.