It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

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Neighbor: Your husband is a talker.

Me: Mmm?

N: Your husband. He has a story for everything.

M: Oh, I wouldn’t know.


M: I stopped listening to him in 2003.


*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*


*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!


If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently


WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them


*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*


Gf: is it in?

Me: I think its in

Gf: nothing’s happening

Me: give it a sec

Gf: take it out & put it back in

M: ugh fine *reinserts DVD*


Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.


“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
(Nailed it)


“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.