It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
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What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
A classic…
getting old is fun
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?