@Jamberee13

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

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@OusaMedousa

Neighbor: Your husband is a talker.

Me: Mmm?

N: Your husband. He has a story for everything.

M: Oh, I wouldn’t know.

N:

M: I stopped listening to him in 2003.

@AndyAsAdjective

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

@AmishPornStar1

*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!

@3sunzzz

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

@capnwatsisname

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

@BoogTweets

*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*

@DaddyJew

Gf: is it in?

Me: I think its in

Gf: nothing’s happening

Me: give it a sec

Gf: take it out & put it back in

M: ugh fine *reinserts DVD*

@Bob_Janke

Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.

@AudreyPorne

“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)

@Reverend_Scott

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.