It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
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My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.