“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
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My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
My sex drive has a dui
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.