It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.