it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
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Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
🤣🤣
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Breaking news:
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life