@causticbob

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

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@chrisdowning

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

@KyleMcDowell86

[commercial for mops]

*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*

“There has to be a better way”

Narrator:MOPS

@StewieTea2

My gastroenterologist used to be a plumber.

Having to see him is gut-wrenching

@alexivenegas_

No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨

@TweatingForTwo

The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.

@hippieswordfish

ME: I JUST WENT TO THAT NEW SALON WHERE THEY CUT YOUR HAIR OFF BY SHOOTING IT WITH A GUN
FRIEND: oh cool how was it
ME: WHAT

@aotakeo

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

@Birdhumms

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

@TheTweetOfGod

Attention crazy man on the subway: this is God. Please start telling everyone else in the car what I’m saying to you.