Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
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I seriously can’t stop laughing 😂😂
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
My gastroenterologist used to be a plumber.
Having to see him is gut-wrenching
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
ME: I JUST WENT TO THAT NEW SALON WHERE THEY CUT YOUR HAIR OFF BY SHOOTING IT WITH A GUN
FRIEND: oh cool how was it
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Attention crazy man on the subway: this is God. Please start telling everyone else in the car what I’m saying to you.