It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
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ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.