It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

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I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.


i wish i was a cow eating grass in a field. no rent. no job. no college. just moo


I don’t like the word ‘scampi’. It sounds like seafood that’s trying to run away.


I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.


I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.


The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.


NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers


As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.