It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

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REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho


[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will


On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.


“How’s the wine?”
“House red?”
*sips, swills, spits*
“Wow it’s got too much body.”
“Sorry, I should have evicted the tenants first.”


[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle


I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.


Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.


I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.


My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.