@TweetPotato314

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

- @TweetPotato314

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@LizHackett

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

@TheBoydP

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

@FlyoverJoel

The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.

@briangaar

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

@nbadag

[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living

@Darlainky

*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.

@HollyMemphis

When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.

@AmishPornStar1

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?

@Marlebean

If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering

@dril

glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,