REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
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Runs with scissors
Gets hit by bus
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
“How’s the wine?”
*sips, swills, spits*
“Wow it’s got too much body.”
“Sorry, I should have evicted the tenants first.”
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.