“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
You Might Also Like
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Succinctly put.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD