“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
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Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
yeah no that’s fair
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
My boss called in sick of me
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.