It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
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All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
They say women only use 10% of their anger
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.