There is no law that says you can’t smoke celery inside public places. What are they gonna do? Ask you to extinguish your celery? Doubtful.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
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The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
I’m sorry Ms. Jackson (Oooooo)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Ohh no, its retarded
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
When someone spaces out their “ha ha ha’s” in a text I read it in Count Dracula’s voice
Me: Can I leave early today?
Me: Can you leave early then?