@meghaffer

It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…

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@MikeCanRant

There is no law that says you can’t smoke celery inside public places. What are they gonna do? Ask you to extinguish your celery? Doubtful.

@crunchenhanced

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

@truegritrumble

KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.

@JNalv

I’m sorry Ms. Jackson (Oooooo)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy

@Tmoney68

[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]

Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.

And Monopoly was born.

@AmishPornStar1

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

@RunOldMan

People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.

@kellymcc0y

When someone spaces out their “ha ha ha’s” in a text I read it in Count Dracula’s voice

@IamEveryDayPpl

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?