It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

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[sloth wedding]


[six months later]



Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again


Wife just looked at an 8″x8″ picture and estimated it to be 12″x12″.

Perhaps you can see why I consider this a good thing.


I love commercials that treat me like an absolute moron

“tired of going to the bathroom?”
“do you need more birds in your life?”
“who left this yoo-hoo here?”
“fed up with regular air?”
“this product costs money”


ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something

[Later on date]

ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?


God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”


unstable person: “when there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth”
stable person: “i look after the horses”


NY has Spider-Man, Dr Strange, The Fantastic Four, Iron Man, Daredevil, Captain America…
Did no one view the crime stats & weather in FL?


A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.