@Rica_Bee

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

@MichaelGoffLA

Pot has never been proven harmful to humans, but the way it makes those huge holes in the street has to give you pause.

@mostlysharks

[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya

@TheCiscoKidder

Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..

4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!

@imteddybless

a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real

@kiel_phillips

DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch

@Gupton68

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

@RexHuppke

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

@david8hughes

[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then

@LaceyNycole

2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!

Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?

2: I eat it.

Well that escalated quickly.