It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
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I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want