I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
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Pot has never been proven harmful to humans, but the way it makes those huge holes in the street has to give you pause.
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Me: Where are the kids?
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.