@Rica_Bee

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

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@UnFitz

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

@AsiaDNYC

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

@InsouciantMan

Wife just looked at an 8″x8″ picture and estimated it to be 12″x12″.

Perhaps you can see why I consider this a good thing.

@mattewe02

I love commercials that treat me like an absolute moron

“tired of going to the bathroom?”
“do you need more birds in your life?”
“who left this yoo-hoo here?”
“fed up with regular air?”
“this product costs money”

@sofarrsogud

ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something

[Later on date]

ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?

@Elizasoul80

God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”

@KeetPotato

unstable person: “when there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth”
stable person: “i look after the horses”

@xLiserx

NY has Spider-Man, Dr Strange, The Fantastic Four, Iron Man, Daredevil, Captain America…
Did no one view the crime stats & weather in FL?

@Fact

A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.